It's a natural response to want to help someone who appears to be in need. Most of us want to be decent, caring humans, so it only makes sense. But what if instead of helping, we're actually hindering? What if instead of giving them an opportunity to learn, we're inhibiting their independence? Even with the best of intentions and our hearts in the right place, we can hurt the very person we're trying to help.
As a parent, I have at times been guilty of “rescuing” or trying to “fix everything” for my kids. It can be difficult to watch them navigate relationships with their peers, to watch them deal with heartbreak or disappointment. My immediate instinct is to go all 'Momma Bear' on someone and then hug my babies tighter. But really, all that does is make me feel better and doesn’t help my kids, or the person whose head I figuratively ripped off.
What exactly is rescuing?
Rescuing is an unhealthy way of helping. It is a mindset that is fixated on trying to fix the
problem or change the person.
What does rescuing look like?
Doing things for others that they are capable of doing or learning themselves.
Making it easier for others to continue their unhealthy behaviors.
Helping others avoid the consequences of their actions.
Taking responsibility for other people, trying to solve their problems.
So how do we know if we're rescuing or supporting?
Ask. Just by asking the person, “Would you like some help with that?” or “Is there a way I can help you?” If you find yourself skipping this step and going straight to “fix it mode,” then you're trying to rescue rather than support them. Healthy boundaries are not dependent on the actions, opinions, or meddling of others.
Time. Allow the person the opportunity to tell you what the issue is or to ask for help. It's not our job to be on high alert, overanalyze, or become anxious over someone else’s problem. It's our job to be available when they are ready to come to us, actively listen to them when they're ready to talk to us, and offer encouragement and support when they let us know they need it. Letting the person tell you what they need, rather than you telling them what you think they need are two hugely different things.
Know yourself. Acknowledge your own feelings by dealing with them directly rather than by trying to control others. How you handle a situation may be completely different than how your child or loved one may handle it. That’s OK! All of life’s troubles are problem-solving experiences that can be life lessons. It doesn’t mean we must handle everything alone, but expecting someone else to manage it is not going to do any good in the short term or in the long run.
Life skills are one of the most precious gifts we can give to our children. Teaching our children a few basic life skills such as cooking, cleaning, and good hygiene can help build the foundation for successful independent living. But we don’t want to stop at just the basics, right? Mental health is a life skill that will ultimately affect your responses to everything else including physical health, finances, school and work performance, and relationships. We as human beings must find our way through the hard things - but we must also be taught the proper way to acknowledge and deal with those hard things!
Here are 3 life skills every child should learn:
Self-Advocacy
Self-advocacy is more than just “sticking up” for yourself. It's a way of letting others know what your needs are by communicating in a clear, concise manner. Even if your child is very young, they're still able to communicate what they feel is okay or not. If you're tickling your toddler’s tummy and they say “Stop, that tickles,” or even a simple “No”. You have all of the
information you need because they have communicated that clearly.
Time Management
Time management isn’t just showing up on time. It’s being able to prioritize items or tasks by thinking analytically and being organized. Oftentimes, stress with school or work is due to a lack of preparation. Time management is one that I sometimes struggle with, though I am getting better.
To prepare for my workday, for example, I prepare my breakfast and lunch the night before. I also set aside an outfit the night before. I make sure everything I need is readily available so that I can stay on schedule and arrive at work on time and stress-free. At the end of each day, I make myself an old-fashioned, handwritten to-do list. I prioritize the tasks that have deadlines or need my immediate attention and work my way down the list. Yes, there are apps and calendars to keep up with all of that, but I personally prefer a handwritten list - I have it in front of me and can check it often while keeping an eye on the clock to make sure I'm staying on schedule.
Critical Thinking
Critical thinking allows us to look at the big picture. We're able to compare and contrast feelings and situations, make inferences, and process information, or lack of information. Allowing our children to become aware of a problem, understand a problem, and think about solutions and consequences are all ways for them to learn critical thinking skills.
When we continue to rescue, we're giving that person less self-confidence and instilling a feeling of dependence on us rather than themselves. We're actually taking away rather than giving. Our support should focus on providing the skills, resources, and perspectives that can encourage them to make their own informed decisions, even if we don’t necessarily agree with them.
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